7 Signs That Non-monogamy Might be Right for You: Exploring an Open Relationship
Episode 220
Is a non-monogamous relationship right for me?
Roses are red, violets are blue, here are some ways to know if non-monogamy is for you…
Relationship styles vary just like the diversity amongst people on our planet. Monogamy is not the only way - it’s certainly one way.
Today we’re going to explore why you actually might not be as monogamous as you think. And why non-monogamy might be for you
Welcome to Clit Talk Summer School a month long series we are doing this July to help our listeners increase their libidos, cultivate sexual confidence and deepen intimacy in all relationships (including yourself) so that your sex and communication is on FIRE this summer!
Each week we’re are also going to give you a taste of our Sex and Empowerment Signature Masterclass by sharing one of our favorite and most powerful distinctions, “Pleasure Parameters,” each week we will introduce you to a new parameter and share simple ways to have these powerful tools thriving in your life. This week our Pleasure Parameter is… Value based boundaries - inside of our program we define value based boundaries as our access to Leading with integrity and staying true to yourself.
In this episode we explore:
The Full Body Fuck Yes
How to know if your non-monogamous (step-by-step)
How to determine if an open relationship is right for you
A Message From Madison (A.K.A. Sugar), one of the three Hosts of Clit Talk:
Before I started my sexual liberation journey I was in a heterosexual monogamous marriage and after having all the conversation with my partner we actually turned our whole relationship style inside out and I’m happy and grateful to report that we have been in an ethical non-monogamous marriage ever since.
So it is possible that you may be in a similar situation I was in or maybe you’re single and you’re considering non-monogamy with your next partner or partners and I want you to know I have your back and what I’m going to cover in this video will help you gain the clarity you need to proceed or not to proceed with non-monogamy.
WATCH THE YOUTUBE VIDEO
At the end of this video I’m also going to share with you a powerful tool that we use in Sex & Empowerment Signature Masterclass… it’s a checklist that is meant to get your spidey-sex-sense spinning so you can begin to discover your Full Body Fuck Yes, Fuck No’s or turn on that could be an EDGE.
What is an edge?
An edge it’s something that you may have wanted to try or even never thought of trying but it simultaneously makes you turned on and excited while also perhaps a little cautious or nervous. An edge is that which if/when you do it you are left in an expanded state much like after a climax.
Doing this checklist is an opportunity to tune into your body and listen to what it has to say.
Click here to download the Full Body Fuck Yes Checklist for free.
Non monogamous Truths
We’re all a little non-monogamous - ok maybe that’s not a fact that’s just Madison’s truth
However, the book Sex At Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships challenges the true sexual nature of humanity, and gives evidence of our innate promiscuity by exploring the history and evolution of human sexuality prior to the Agricultural Revolution.
According to Dan Savage,
“Sex At Dawn is the single most important book about human sexuality since Alfred Kinsey unleashed Sexual Behavior in the Human Male on the American public in 1948."
If you don’t already know you are non-monogamous, well… experience is the greatest teacher for that. Sometimes you have to lean in and try something to know if it's for you.
If you want to thrive in a non-monogamous relationship you need to become a master at prioritizing your needs and practicing self-care without feeling guilty.
You need to be able to listen to your body to determine your yeses and your nos… what were looking for when exploring is what we call the full body fuck yes… if it’s not a fuck yes its a no… or at least a no for right now
How to Know Your Non-monogamous (step by step)
You Love Love and you love loving people.
Relationships are one of your hobbies.
Being affection towards other comes easy to you.
Your crush on other people outside of just one partner.
This really shows your capacity to love.
You thoroughly enjoy communicating.
The thought of becoming an extraordinary communicator with your partner or partners sounds fun to you in some way
You would enjoy getting better at communication, since this relationship style requires a whoooollle lot of it!
You’re in a relationship where one person is introverted and one person is extroverted.
According to Dr. Sheff, “non-monogamy is also a great option for “introverts who are psyched for more alone time and would like their partner to have more time to go play and company to go do other things with. If that sounds good to you as an introvert, then you could be really psyched for consensual non-monogamy. It takes the pressure off.”
You love to share, in general.
Sharing is your go to. When you go out to eat you love to share versus having your own plate.
The idea of sharing brings you joy.
You welcome challenging emotions and you don’t let jealous thoughts and feelings consume you.
“Polyamory or non-monogamy is bound to bring about feelings of insecurity and feelings of jealousy and feelings of ‘Are they gonna like [these other people] better?’” explains Dr. Sheff. So she says to think: “How do you deal with challenging emotions? Are you someone who is going to face themselves and be honest, and are you willing to have relationships with other people but still also work on your relationship with your partner?”
Within the monogamous model, Dr. Sheff explains that feelings of jealousy, anxiety, or insecurity within a relationship are “almost disloyal.” So, at the very least, you should be willing to learn how to deal with your jealousy, if you are hoping to make a non-monogamous relationship work. “Because it is a skill that you have to practice — managing your own emotions.”
You aren’t bothered by the thought of your partner being with someone else and your ideal relationship involves multiple partners.
“If you’re just like, ‘I could see myself being with someone else but not my partner,’ then you probably don’t really want consensual non-monogamy,” warns Dr. Sheff. “You just want someone else. Or you want sexual variety for yourself but not for your partner — that’s something a lot of people want. And that is why so many people cheat because they want that freedom, but they can’t imagine sharing. They really do not feel comfortable with sharing their partners.”
If you’re currently in a monogamous relationship and the idea of non-monogamy sounds tempting, it’s important to think about whether it’s the structure of monogamy that’s upsetting you or this particular relationship. “Think about your mythical partner — whoever else you’re with, besides this person,” Dr. Sheff advises. “Does it really seem like ‘besides’ or is it ‘in addition to?’ How do you feel about your current person not being there? Do you feel relief or sadness?”
We feel it’s important to state that if you’re in a relationship and are experiencing struggles within it, be warned that non-monogamy will not “fix” your relationship issues, in fact they may even aggravate them even more.
We recommend signing up for our upcoming free digital course to start working on YOU and find empowerment with the next steps to take in your relationship before opening it up.
Click here to learn more about the Sex & Empowerment program.
Thanks so much for being here today. I hope this made a difference for you. Be sure to check out the rest of our Clit Talk Summer School and if you’re enjoying this conversation please click the links below. We always have tons of FREE resources in addition to the podcast as well as our flagship digital courses.
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