Children of Poly Families with Dr. Elisabeth Sheff
Episode 165
What is consensual non-monogamy? What does it mean to be polyamorous?!
In the book “Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships” polyamory is defined as “the desire for the practice of maintaining multiple significant, intimate relationships simultaneously.
These relationships may encompass many elements, including love, friendship, closeness, emotional intimacy, recurring contact, commitment, affection, flirting, romance, desire, erotic contact, sex and a spiritual connection.” - Tristan Taormino
According to Healthline article called What Does It Mean to Be Polyamorous written by Maisha Z. Johnson, “Polyamory is defined as practicing or being open to intimate relationships with more than one person. Dating as a polyamorous person means you’re not looking for just one person to share a romantic or sexual connection with.”
Polyamory definition = many love.
#polyamory IS…
✅ Intimate relationships - physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual
✅ Being open and transparent - communicating around boundaries and consent
✅ About trust and respect
✅ Considered an open relationship
✅ A form of consensual non-monogamy
#poly IS NOT
❌ Only a sexual relationship
❌ The same as cheating
❌ An indication that your uninterested in commitment
❌ A sign that one is down for group sex
❌ For everyone
Dr. Eli Sheff wrote an article called 7 Different Kinds of Non-Monogamy and we are going to include a few that we feel are commonly misunderstood.
The following is directly quoted from her article:
💋 Polyamory and Polyfidelity
Polyamory is a relationship style that allows people to openly conduct multiple sexual and/or romantic relationships simultaneously, ideally with the knowledge and consent of all involved in or affected by the relationships. Polyfidelity is similar, except that it is a closed relationship style that requires sexual and emotional fidelity to an intimate group that is larger than two. Polyaffective relationships are emotionally intimate, non-sexual connections among people connected by a polyamorous relationship, such as two heterosexual men who are both in sexual relationships with the same women and have co-spousal or brother-like relationships with each other.
💋 Consensual non-monogamy
Some people see any non-monogamous relationship as adulterous, regardless of whether or not both partners have consented to having sexual interactions outside the committed couple. I argue that transparency matters, and consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is qualitatively different from non-consensual non-monogamy, or cheating. The two relationship categories also have distinctly different outcomes for the people involved: Not only do consensual non-monogamists try to tell each other the truth, but this greater communication has real impacts, such as smaller rates of STI transmission among consensual non-monogamists than among non-consensual non-monogamists. Many non-monogamists rely on honest communication to negotiate consensual agreements that allow a variety of ways to have multiple partners.
💋 Open
Open relationships are varied enough to be an umbrella term for consensually non-monogamous relationships based on a primary couple who are “open” to sexual contact with others. The most common form of open relationship is that of a married or long-term committed couple that takes on a third (or sometimes fourth or fifth) partner whose involvement and role in the relationship is always secondary. A couple practicing this relationship type might engage in sexual activity with the secondary partner together or separately, or they may each have independent outside relationships with different secondary partners—regardless of the specific parameters, the primary couple always remains a priority. Generally rooted in specific rules, expectations, and communication between those involved, open relationships may take a variety of forms and may evolve over time as needed to meet the needs of those persons involved. Swinging, monogamish, polyamorous/polyfidelitous, and anarchistic relationships can all be considered “open.”
💋 Monogamish
Popularized within the last few years by Dan Savage, monogamish relationships are those in which a couple is primarily monogamous, but allows varying degrees of sexual contact with others. As with other non-monogamous relationships, rules structuring these external sexual contacts vary by couple: Some allow only one-night stands (no second time with the same person) or only specific kinds of sexual activity (i.e., kissing and groping are OK, but no intercourse), and others have time or location limitations (e.g., no more than a week, or only when people are traveling or not at home).
Be sure to check out our episode Children in Poly Families with Dr. Elisabeth Sheff the creator of @bondingproject who recently launched a relationship bonding quiz. You have to try it!
Did you learn something new? Did this article make a difference for you? Share your thoughts in the comments! 💋
Happy Tuesday Cliterati!
So last week was super fun kicking off pride month discovering our ‘bonding style’ with Dr. Elisabeth Sheff. So we have her BACK to talk about why the Bonding Project chose her to be ‘the one’ for their community. Dr. Elisabeth Sheff is an expert in legal issues facing gender and sex minorities (GSM), specializing in child custody, divorce, BDSM, employment discrimination, and criminal offenses. She also just published her fourth book, Children in Polyamorous Families: Research Findings in Brief. So we had to have her back to learn and dive deeper and hear more about the public service she provides for the poly community.
A personal share from Dr. Eli...
“Initially what drew me was falling in love with someone who wasn’t monogamous. I made that mean i was fat and not good in bed and he said no, no, no, that’s not what it is. I learned what polyamory was and together we explored what it was even more by attending meetings. The people were accepting of me with me being upset. In graduate school I decided to study polyamory in 1996 - no one has ever done it. I started initially with the community and transitioned into a research role after learning about them. The research was both fascinating and fulfilling.”
QUESTIONS/TALKING POINTS
What drew you to this niche line of work and why is it so important to you?
Tell us about your book and how it’s been helping poly families raise their kids in the lifestyle?
So you often work as an expert witness. From your website: this is where you integrate data into testimony and put your knowledge in a social context to help judges and juries understand diverse or unconventional people, their relationships, and families. Unpack that experience for us.
What are your favorite stories from the constituents that you’ve served in this way?
SHOW NOTES
Unexpected findings - so intellectually engaging and it was the kiss of death academically
Now in psychology, consensual nonmonagamy is being researched
Large corporations don't want to fund the research
Dr. Eli finally got a 1,000 grant
I applied for grant for 10-year
My research prevented my from getting ten year and getting job
They assume whatever you're researching if its unconventional then you must be doing it too
Stay Connected with Dr. Elisabeth Sheff
New Book: Children in Polyamorous Families: Research Findings in Brief. Dr. Sheff takes 20 years of research and condenses it down to a 20 to 30 minutes read.
Pleasure Positive Resources
FREE 5-Day Sex & Empowerment Digital Course
Tune Into This Week’s Episode Of Clit Talk
Stay Connected with Bonding Project
How do we bond?
The Bonding Project’s goal is to help people identify their bonding preferences and connect with partners with compatible bonding style