What the actual F***?

Sugar just blew my mind…

Communication. This word has been at the forefront in my mind lately and has rightly earned it’s spot on the podium of annoying but necessary lessons in my adult life. Learning about what I actually want and deserve in life while keeping in mind the needs of others has been a trial by fire and this week I am nauseous from the smell of my singed hair. Often we communicate without even realizing we aren’t being clear. It’s important for us to take the time to get clear (not a scientology reference), so we know what we want, we know what our needs are and are able to communicate that in a healthy and effective way. This applies when we are establishing boundaries or asking for something we want with our partner or frankly anyone we establish a relationship with.

Simple? F**k no.

Attainable? Thankfully, f**k yes.

We speak to people all day long and for some reason, it’s as if we’re speaking Chinese because we aren’t heard or understood. Why are we not heard? Because we don’t communicate effectively. Our instinct is to blame the other person for not “getting us.” When we do this, we bypass vulnerability. Vulnerability is not showing weakness. (Thank you Bene Brown!) It is strength, and when we are courageous enough to actually be vulnerable, it’s much easier for people to hear us and receive our communication.

Speaking of vulnerability, this is the embarrassingly difficult part for me to always accept because it turns out, I personally don’t like hearing the word no. Even if we do communicate effectively, there is still the possibility of hearing an answer we don’t want. When we ask for what we want, and we receive a “no,” our initial reaction may be to blame the other person for suppressing us. I challenge you to think differently. Don’t expect a “yes.” Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want in fear of not getting it. Ask for what you want with no expectation. We may have difficulty in hearing the love when being told “no.” I’ll give you an example. When we were kids our parents told us no when we would ask for more ice cream, after already having two scoops. They’re not letting us get what we want because they know it’s not good for us and they care because…. you guessed it! THEY LOVE US.

If we can’t hear “no,” then we can’t say no to others, and we then always expect others say “yes” to our wants, demands and requests. But riddle me this… When you push back on a “no” and force the other person to see your view and say “yes” does it actually feel good to get what you want? From personal experience, I can say NO, it doesn’t feel good because we are breaching another person’s boundaries. This negatively impacts the relationship because in a way, they feel violated and unheard themselves.

It’s all about where you’re coming from. If we come from blame, the other person will naturally defend, and the conversation will go nowhere. When we communicate from this place, it’s basically a guarantee we won’t be heard. It is not the other person’s responsibility to understand us, it is our responsibility to have others understand us.

“If we can’t hear “no,” then we can’t say no to others, and we then always expect others say “yes” to our wants, demands and requests..” - Maddie G

I have known people to be very articulate but make little to no sense. I hate to say this, because I didn’t like hearing it myself, but it’s not only about you. Even if you are feeling hurt, frustrated, mad, tricked, sad, betrayed, or any of the above combined, it’s not the other person’s responsibility for how you feel. Sorry to burst your bubble but I promise you that knowing this cosmic truth will give you power no matter what the circumstances are.

You hold the power and you get to choose whether or not you give your power away to someone. When you declare that you will no longer give your power away and you stand in 100% responsibility for how you feel, you’ve set the foundation for healthy communication, in which YOU WILL BE HEARD and you will be fearless in expressing yourself.

So, how can we be heard? After a personally painful week and a damn good photoshoot, I was sitting with Sugar and ased her that exact question. She said there are four pillars to communication that she developed and lives by. She’s made it really easy for us all to remember:

F. U. C. K.

• Forgiveness

• Understanding

• Compassion

• Kindness

“Forgive without needing to be right, listen with understanding and without judgement, exude compassion, and speak with kindness.” - Sugar

Here’s an exercise that can help you become a pro at establishing boundaries and asking for what you want:

Ask Yourself…

• What are my needs?

• What do I want

• What is my boundary?

• If it were to be crossed, how would I feel?

• What is the boundary I want to create with said person?

• Why is this boundary important to me?

• What am I committed to with this person?

  ***CHECKPOINT: Once you answer these questions, ask yourself, am I coming from fear?!

If the answer is yes, stop, and ask yourself this:

• In the absence of fear, what is my boundary?

Then, do the exercise again.

Now you know where you’re coming from AND you are ready to communicate with your partner, friend, colleague, family member or someone else. This doesn’t just apply to your partner, because we truly need to communicate boundaries in all of our relationships. 

Now then! Let’s listen to part 2 of Sugar’s story after throwing her first play party with her husband.

Written by Crystal Maddie Green

Crystal Maddie is a freelance Photographer and Art Director from Santa Clarita, CA. If she’s not at home with her pup Bodhi, you can find her by the water somewhere along the coast of So-Cal, or plugged into her latest project at Crave Cafe in Sherman Oaks, CA. She has turned her passion for wanting to understand the world around her into a blooming career encouraging others to not be passive, but passionate about life through her imagery. For inquiries & collaborations with Maddie, send her an email at seemaddieg@gmail.com or follow her on social media.